Miss Twist's Weblog

Just need to slam this down somwhere while my brain buzzes…

Swords: Air aligned.

Intellect, communication, double edged, reason.

Problems, difficulties, resolutions, blocks and hard decisions.

Weapons – cut away at blocks and problems, cause harm, protect, destroy.

So, after month’s of fighting with myself, I have finally given up and admitted it. I want to move back to Perth for a variety of reasons. Namely school and financial reasons but there are a few other things in there as well.

So I’m saying goodbye to Melbourne some time next year…

I’m not really sure what to say. I know it’s the right thing to do but at the same time it’s killing me.

Melbourne isn’t the place I think of as home, that implies I have a say in it.

Melbourne claimed me. I belong to it. And I’m walking away…

I’ve been doing urban influenced magic for most of my time as a Chaote. I lived close to the city and I still spend most my time in the city though I no longer live there. It started from the realisation that magic as I had started it in the ‘burbs just didn’t work right in the city. Energies move totally differently for a start, there’s more emotional turmoil and it generally just has more feedback magically that hinders rather than helps unless you adapt.

Adapt I did and became, over the years, reasonably good at what I do, but for all that my magic is still mostly indoor out of the way kind of stuff. Working with the flow of the city but not the city itself. After a few threads on various boards I’m beginning to look into the later. With the weather so cold (what the hell happened to those nice mild nights?) I’m doing the reading and thinking part at the moment, but I want to move beyond that.

For the curious the excellent Ekistomancy blog is a good place to start.

Here is my city, that I fully intend to get to know:

Melbourne: Southbank after dark

I plan to start talking to the city at the lights out front of Reservoir station that I cross every time I want to go into the city or go home from the city. Close to home and then work in…

In early January I posted this

This is the mid year redux post in which I laugh at myself for not having even remotely done what I was planning.Lemme see… Before e start, in my defence, this year has been a complete write off so far.

Monthly Tarot - Complete fail however I have been using my decks more and more so I am getting more familiar with it and thanks to Alan Moore’s Promethea I’m enthused to really get in and study them.

Inner Temple of Witchcraft – FAIL

Meditation - Still with the leg problems but have been doing the dd bit of yoga

Devotions - Were going quite well to my little crisis of faith

So what have I been doing?

Well other than a minor melt down, my own fault now that I think about it, I did call upon Violet Grimm, I’ve been… having  a minor melt down.

Someone might want to grab that there leash of mine...

At the moment I’m delving further into the tarot, looking at some healing stuff for my minor melt down (not so minor really) and am doing some aromatherapy study. I’m still daydreaming about the personal divination deck and focussing mostly on my art.

That’s it really, nothing much to see here.

Death is with me.

Death. Metamorphosis. Change. Shedding of the old revealing something new.

I have been going through hard times of late. Ending of relationships, changes in my work place, unsettled living arrangements, feelings of being “kept” be people for all the wrong reasons and generally up in the air and unhappy. I suffer seasonal depression on top of this and, being mid-winter and therefore at the height of seasonal depression season, I’ve been struggling to cope. I started in therapy again to help get my head around things. I’m sure the therapist I see has no idea what’s with me as I just ramble incoherently at her a lot of the time.  The remainder of this post, which may get quite long, is going to explore what I’m finding out about myself, my thoughts and my feelings and also address one or two little but important things.

I try very hard to avoid huge ranty me based posts on all of my journals, and I have quite a few, this time however I’m not pulling punches in any way shape or form.

I feel used and abused by a lot of people I once thought of as friends. To be precise I feel like many of them think of me as an object for them to play with. A toy if you will. I don’t like this, to the point where the behaviour is making me want to avoid going anywhere near people in their entirety and is causing me to have anxiety issues when asked to go out to places where I know many of these people may be present. Telling them to stop appears to be a waste of time. Telling some of them to stop has resulted in petulant childish behaviour and outright anger and abuse from one or two others. I’m not very good at standing up for myself when dealing with people who move in my social circle (reasons for this below) so I’m failing to enforce the “back the fuck off rule”. This is causing self esteem issues that will be addressed in a little bit.

The next thing that’s been bothering me is my social circle at large. Well about 90% of it anyway. There are a handful of people from amongst the large circle of friends I had last year that I still want around. My social circle is practically incestuous, which in and of itself doesn’t bother me, but the lack of respect for other people’s privacy and personal space is starting to be beyond a joke. It makes me not want to be around them. The in fighting has begun as well, also making me not wanting to be around them. The petty little fights have started in places, as has the bad mouthing, back stabbing and nastiness that comes of knowing too much about people because discretion is a thing of the past that no one remembers anymore. I don’t want part of this so I’m actively avoiding outings and gatherings that require me to deal with it because, you guessed it, it’s setting off more anxiety issues.

I have really low self esteem. I had actually developed a reasonably good sense of self some years back, then I dated a complete prick who made it his business to destroy my fragile little tower of esteem. Being made to feel like I am worthless outside of being a toy for people to feel up and pose is having nasty consequences. I feel like it is expected that I allow people to touch me and treat me how they want to when they want to. I have had this backed up, as mentioned earlier, by people’s reactions to being told no. I’m picking at my skin constantly, fretting badly, hiding away from people because being face to face with people is etremely hard, I’m depressed (nothing new) and having a hard time coping with the things I NEED to cope with. Again, not wanting to be around 90% of my supposed friends.

What all this means?

It means I have to make a call, and I’m choosing to make it rather than hide from it. I am not putting up with this shit. The small group of people that I want to spend time with I will spend time with. The rest of them will go get fucked for all I care. I have no time for this.

In a manner this is part psych 101 and one and part major magical working.

There’s a lot of damage that’s been done over the years and it’s not an overnight fix but it’s a necessary start. It will be painful and tiring. I’ll keep rambling at my poor therapist because even if she doesn’t understand what I’m going on about, because I’m only half coherent, the sessions seem to help as a platform to work from. An unbiased mind asking the right questions to make me gather my thoughts into something I can work with rather than a huge mess.

I’ll keep seeking the company of people who encourage me to grow and change rather than expect me to fulfill a role.  I have also made my first active steps in finding new friends. I’ve applied to join an eclectic coven that meets regularly. I’m not sure how that will go, but after 10 years of solitary practice I think it’s time that I actually started communicating with others offline as well as on.

And I have already started working on my mind from that other angle. Magically I’ve done  little to support myself over the past few years. I’ve done little of anything really with my life in constant upheaval. I’ve had a very sharp wake up call in the guise of a semi-student-come-younger-peer’s actions causing me to have an old servitor/guardian become very active and with that I have been able to start working with inner spaces again. Mind temples, neurological symbolic spaces, temples of the aether, whatever you want to call them. Having not had a stable home in my life, these spaces were once very important to me and easy to work with, with all the turmoil I’d closed down my ability to access that. Having it reopened gives me a place to work in ways I can’t in the physical. Some interesting experiments to follow…

Eh you’ll hear about enough of them I’m sure.

Things aren’t good. They really fucking aren’t, but I’m going to put it back together. Slowly maybe, but I’ll raise hell if I have to. It wouldn’t be the first time, no one ever taught me to lie down and die without a fight.

The silence is deafening in my own mind as thoughts have stilled and weariness overcomes the pain. I lie in partial darkness watching the flicker of candle light upon the wall, the cool of tiles ‘neath my feet is soothing, the warmth of leather against my back familiar and comforting, and I begin to think of places far off and wonder what is to come. My fingers trace old scares that eyes can barely see remembering the slice of blade and the thoughts that drew me there. Wondering how long it will be that I can mask the pain and play the game.

I’ve done this before over and over. Gotten lost in my pain, gotten lost in my dark night of the soul and forced all away. Yet this time I rally within. Not again, not now, not ever. There are those I love too important to hurt, there are those I want by my side and there are those I’d give the world away for just to have a momentary glimpse of their smile.

My fingers trace scars to fine to see but that I know are there and a smile touches my lips again.

I bear no scars of disfigurement, just subtle reminders you see. I’ve been here before more than once in days long gone past. I survived behind a mask that I no longer wear. A mask that could be dropped because those that remain, that I want to see smile, that I would give the world to should I have it. I don’t so I settle with giving me. Fragile, broken, damaged beyond repair, yet always simply there. I’m not sure there’s much of worth left to give, but some tell me otherwise so I’ll trust in them and give it as I can.

And I’ll trace scars so fine. Reminders I was there. Badges of honour.

Lying in a place that exists no where but within my mind, with company sitting and waiting nearby. A big old wolf-thing and a hard worn friend with the storm cloud gaze. Thinking of those I cherish, just a handful of those I thought I held dear, and knowing that the sun will rise tomorrow.

In the shadows behind lie 7 wands tips down marked with uncertainty, doubt, and fear.

In the shadows with me lie 8 coins face down marked with the errors and folly.

And before me there is new light falling across the floor. Silver pale and drawing me in, barefoot and unprepared, to face what lies within. My dreams, my lies, my mysteries, my truths. And I dance down into my depths by the light of the pale blue moon.

So I was just answering a reply on my blog when it hit me: I have been practicing magic in one form or another for 10 fucking years around December this year.
10 Freaking years.

I’m certainly no community elder but that’s nothign to sneeze at. I then thought some more and laughed at myself because all I could think is that 10 years of this shit and I STILL have no freaking clue. Ah well, that’s what keeps it fun I suppose.

So I’ve finally got my shit together (sort of maybe) and I now have charlietwist.com with an interface on it. It’s not particularly spectacular, justa  wordpress theme to be honest, but I wanted to get this art stuff going an di figure at least it’s a start right?

At the moment I’m going through my old A4 journals and scanning anything that looks salvegable. So there now a heap of sketches up. If you’re into that kind of thing go have a look.

WIP - The Monster Under the Bed

Part of a stupidly long post I made on face book in response to the initiated Wiccan crap. I had responded initially to someone who added his two bob regarding Shaministic initiation which is quite often not given by another human being, but rather by the spirits or through events. Said person shot back with the fact that he was referring to the calling to the path etc etc. Here is my response. I was curios to your thoughts regarding it….

As to being “called to a path” we all are. It’s a given, we were called one way or another to paganism in the first place. Being called to a path and being initiated into a path, again, are totally seperate things. I spoke of what the initiation was like after I found my calling, and while the experiences varies tremendously from person to person it is still not a case of performing some pleasant ritual when “you” (generic you there) feel like it.

In a manner I envy those who ARE initiated into a coven. Having other people around to guide you through the initiation process and help you develop steadily at a pace you can handle is probably a great deal easier to handle than being thrown in head first. The issues that arise I can imagine would actually be the same ones and the challenges similar but rather than it being a sudden, forceful change it’s something stable that is prepared for an guided by those more experienced. I’m solitary so again this is just my opinions built of my talks with the initiated and other solitaries ont he subject *Shrugs*

I hold solid my opinion on being inducted into Wicca. I’m easy enough to please, if you add neo or eclectic to the front I know what you’re talking about, and I’m not such a fuss that I’m going to jump up and down because “OMG you can’t use the term Wiccan if you’re not initiated” provided the clarification is clear that you practice neo/eclectic-Wicca not traditoinal (initiated) Wicca. And if you claim to follow the latter I expect you to be able to back it up.

I can back up the claims that I practice Chaos magic through my knowledge of the path, it’s tenants and it’s core values/practices (however few and far between those are) and through my magical practice. Chaos magic doesn’t require any form of initiation, but you still have to be able to prove your claim at the end of the day if you want the title. If you can’t, if you walk into a gathering of Chaos Magicians, and you’re a kitchen witch who calls her/himself a chaos witch and have absolutely no connection with Chaos Magic at all, you’ll be told as much. I wouldn’t expect any less of any other path.

You can’t just claim to be anything you want to be, you have to be able to be that and prove that you are that to others who are of that path or are involved in the community at large. It’s akin to claiming your an accountant if you’re an accounts clerk. Their similar but not the same. An accounts clerk doesn’t have the knowledge of an account clerk, unless of course if they’re an accountant working an accounts clerk role which I’m sure does happen from time to time. One requires qualifications that the other doesn’t but at the same time that doesn’t make one role better that the other. It’s simple as that.

Just because we’re talking about paganism not accounting jobs doesn’t mean you can just throw the basic structures out the window, they still apply. This is one of the biggest problems with the pagan community. The minute you step into paganism you seem to step out of the real world for some reason. It doesn’t work, we are part of the real world, we should be more so than those who aren’t pagan if you ask me. There is no dividing line that says real world this side, pagan world this side that you step across when you put on your robes. It’s the same world, with the same rules, we just see things others don’t because we’re awake and aware of them.