Miss Twist's Weblog

Two pages of writing tonight. All on my healing work but the most journalling I’ve done willingly in some years.

At this point I’m getting the groundwork out of the way. The basics of what I’m aiming for, what I’m already doing, and what’s wrong in general.

So what am I aiming for?

I’m looking at this holistically in the sense the body and mind are connected via energies and that the problems in my mind are causing or aggravating problems within my body which is messing up the flow of energies through my body such as messing with my chakra points. I’m aiming to heal myself, properly rather than just bury the problems deeper within myself. This will be a long, hard working I know.

What are the problems?

A number of issues relating to self image, other people, sexual relations, and childhood issues to start with my mind. Physically I have a low auto-immune system, asthma, numerous general getting old issues with bones,  muscles and joints, weight, digestive-come-stomach problems and cystic ovaries.

What am I doing about them so far?

Been seeing a therapist though have discontinued that for the time being and am currently working through women who run with wolves. I’m seeing a doctor regarding some of the more severe physical problems whilst exploring other options.

What I am looking at adding to this…

A magical aid. My inner child needs healing and the past can not be undone so I need to face it. I’ll be doing this using a combination of normal cognitive therapies, energy manipulations and straight out magic. I am beginning now to explore what I can do and what I want to do. Working it all into something coherant will come slightly later as I need to be in a safe, stable environment to do this and between work being up in the air and moving being no better I am very much not in that position right now.

In early January I posted this

This is the mid year redux post in which I laugh at myself for not having even remotely done what I was planning.Lemme see… Before e start, in my defence, this year has been a complete write off so far.

Monthly Tarot - Complete fail however I have been using my decks more and more so I am getting more familiar with it and thanks to Alan Moore’s Promethea I’m enthused to really get in and study them.

Inner Temple of Witchcraft – FAIL

Meditation - Still with the leg problems but have been doing the dd bit of yoga

Devotions - Were going quite well to my little crisis of faith

So what have I been doing?

Well other than a minor melt down, my own fault now that I think about it, I did call upon Violet Grimm, I’ve been… having  a minor melt down.

Someone might want to grab that there leash of mine...

At the moment I’m delving further into the tarot, looking at some healing stuff for my minor melt down (not so minor really) and am doing some aromatherapy study. I’m still daydreaming about the personal divination deck and focussing mostly on my art.

That’s it really, nothing much to see here.

Death is with me.

Death. Metamorphosis. Change. Shedding of the old revealing something new.

I have been going through hard times of late. Ending of relationships, changes in my work place, unsettled living arrangements, feelings of being “kept” be people for all the wrong reasons and generally up in the air and unhappy. I suffer seasonal depression on top of this and, being mid-winter and therefore at the height of seasonal depression season, I’ve been struggling to cope. I started in therapy again to help get my head around things. I’m sure the therapist I see has no idea what’s with me as I just ramble incoherently at her a lot of the time.  The remainder of this post, which may get quite long, is going to explore what I’m finding out about myself, my thoughts and my feelings and also address one or two little but important things.

I try very hard to avoid huge ranty me based posts on all of my journals, and I have quite a few, this time however I’m not pulling punches in any way shape or form.

I feel used and abused by a lot of people I once thought of as friends. To be precise I feel like many of them think of me as an object for them to play with. A toy if you will. I don’t like this, to the point where the behaviour is making me want to avoid going anywhere near people in their entirety and is causing me to have anxiety issues when asked to go out to places where I know many of these people may be present. Telling them to stop appears to be a waste of time. Telling some of them to stop has resulted in petulant childish behaviour and outright anger and abuse from one or two others. I’m not very good at standing up for myself when dealing with people who move in my social circle (reasons for this below) so I’m failing to enforce the “back the fuck off rule”. This is causing self esteem issues that will be addressed in a little bit.

The next thing that’s been bothering me is my social circle at large. Well about 90% of it anyway. There are a handful of people from amongst the large circle of friends I had last year that I still want around. My social circle is practically incestuous, which in and of itself doesn’t bother me, but the lack of respect for other people’s privacy and personal space is starting to be beyond a joke. It makes me not want to be around them. The in fighting has begun as well, also making me not wanting to be around them. The petty little fights have started in places, as has the bad mouthing, back stabbing and nastiness that comes of knowing too much about people because discretion is a thing of the past that no one remembers anymore. I don’t want part of this so I’m actively avoiding outings and gatherings that require me to deal with it because, you guessed it, it’s setting off more anxiety issues.

I have really low self esteem. I had actually developed a reasonably good sense of self some years back, then I dated a complete prick who made it his business to destroy my fragile little tower of esteem. Being made to feel like I am worthless outside of being a toy for people to feel up and pose is having nasty consequences. I feel like it is expected that I allow people to touch me and treat me how they want to when they want to. I have had this backed up, as mentioned earlier, by people’s reactions to being told no. I’m picking at my skin constantly, fretting badly, hiding away from people because being face to face with people is etremely hard, I’m depressed (nothing new) and having a hard time coping with the things I NEED to cope with. Again, not wanting to be around 90% of my supposed friends.

What all this means?

It means I have to make a call, and I’m choosing to make it rather than hide from it. I am not putting up with this shit. The small group of people that I want to spend time with I will spend time with. The rest of them will go get fucked for all I care. I have no time for this.

In a manner this is part psych 101 and one and part major magical working.

There’s a lot of damage that’s been done over the years and it’s not an overnight fix but it’s a necessary start. It will be painful and tiring. I’ll keep rambling at my poor therapist because even if she doesn’t understand what I’m going on about, because I’m only half coherent, the sessions seem to help as a platform to work from. An unbiased mind asking the right questions to make me gather my thoughts into something I can work with rather than a huge mess.

I’ll keep seeking the company of people who encourage me to grow and change rather than expect me to fulfill a role.  I have also made my first active steps in finding new friends. I’ve applied to join an eclectic coven that meets regularly. I’m not sure how that will go, but after 10 years of solitary practice I think it’s time that I actually started communicating with others offline as well as on.

And I have already started working on my mind from that other angle. Magically I’ve done  little to support myself over the past few years. I’ve done little of anything really with my life in constant upheaval. I’ve had a very sharp wake up call in the guise of a semi-student-come-younger-peer’s actions causing me to have an old servitor/guardian become very active and with that I have been able to start working with inner spaces again. Mind temples, neurological symbolic spaces, temples of the aether, whatever you want to call them. Having not had a stable home in my life, these spaces were once very important to me and easy to work with, with all the turmoil I’d closed down my ability to access that. Having it reopened gives me a place to work in ways I can’t in the physical. Some interesting experiments to follow…

Eh you’ll hear about enough of them I’m sure.

Things aren’t good. They really fucking aren’t, but I’m going to put it back together. Slowly maybe, but I’ll raise hell if I have to. It wouldn’t be the first time, no one ever taught me to lie down and die without a fight.

The silence is deafening in my own mind as thoughts have stilled and weariness overcomes the pain. I lie in partial darkness watching the flicker of candle light upon the wall, the cool of tiles ‘neath my feet is soothing, the warmth of leather against my back familiar and comforting, and I begin to think of places far off and wonder what is to come. My fingers trace old scares that eyes can barely see remembering the slice of blade and the thoughts that drew me there. Wondering how long it will be that I can mask the pain and play the game.

I’ve done this before over and over. Gotten lost in my pain, gotten lost in my dark night of the soul and forced all away. Yet this time I rally within. Not again, not now, not ever. There are those I love too important to hurt, there are those I want by my side and there are those I’d give the world away for just to have a momentary glimpse of their smile.

My fingers trace scars to fine to see but that I know are there and a smile touches my lips again.

I bear no scars of disfigurement, just subtle reminders you see. I’ve been here before more than once in days long gone past. I survived behind a mask that I no longer wear. A mask that could be dropped because those that remain, that I want to see smile, that I would give the world to should I have it. I don’t so I settle with giving me. Fragile, broken, damaged beyond repair, yet always simply there. I’m not sure there’s much of worth left to give, but some tell me otherwise so I’ll trust in them and give it as I can.

And I’ll trace scars so fine. Reminders I was there. Badges of honour.

Lying in a place that exists no where but within my mind, with company sitting and waiting nearby. A big old wolf-thing and a hard worn friend with the storm cloud gaze. Thinking of those I cherish, just a handful of those I thought I held dear, and knowing that the sun will rise tomorrow.

In the shadows behind lie 7 wands tips down marked with uncertainty, doubt, and fear.

In the shadows with me lie 8 coins face down marked with the errors and folly.

And before me there is new light falling across the floor. Silver pale and drawing me in, barefoot and unprepared, to face what lies within. My dreams, my lies, my mysteries, my truths. And I dance down into my depths by the light of the pale blue moon.

You are not cute

You are not a special snowflake

You are not fucking adorable enough to get away with it.

Neither am I. Difference is I know it.

This is starting to piss me off. The number of people around me that act like fucking morons and expect me and others to accept it because they’re cute and adorable.This actually goes hand in hand with the personal space issues from my last rant.

People are asking me why I’m coming out less and less. Here’s why…

You’re acting like morons.

Giggling, squealing, gropy people are not the be all and end all of my life.

Bratty, snippy, bitchy people annoy me.

In fact the more I deal with my own shit the less patience I have for it. I’d really like some adult company. Really really really like some. On a regular basis even. Thing is treating someone like dirt is not nice and no matter how much you bat you’re eyelids I’m not buying it. Treating someone like an object is rude and giggling coyly doesn’t make that ok.

Fart and sex jokes are not funny, stupid catty remarks are not going to win me over, and for the love of gods stop hitting on me. I am currently interested in six people. If you’re not in a realtionship or a male I have already slept with/ am currently sleeping with you’re not one of them. Sorry, thems the way the dice fell ok?

Get over it. Get off me. Leave me the fuck alone.

You want me to be interested in you talk to me. Not whine at me or giggle or make moves on me but actually fucking talk to me. I may not have the education of some of the people I know but I am far from stupid, I am capable of saying when I don’t understand and I actually like to hold adult conversations. If you actually get your eyes above chest level and the conversation above the sex jokes you may actually notice that I am an intelligent person with interests outside of goth clubs and petty but pretty shiny things.

If you’re really stuck try art (I’m rather fond of it, you may have missed that) or magic (as in the pagan version) or even sewing (I like to do this). Seriously. Stop being twits. at the moment for all the friends I have I actually look forward to seeing and want to spend time with less than ten of them…

The beginnings of what shall hopefully be an ongoing dialogue with Frater Victatio of Melbournostika

It rained for a few days…

It has stopped now, which is sad, but during those days Frater Victatio suggested the topic of rain and magic so here we are. Rain and Magic…

Rain, water, life sustainer, cleanser, refresher…

Sometimes sleet and cold, sometimes warm and pleasant.

I love the rain. There are a number of ways that the rain works for me.

When I lived in North Qld, and to a much lesser extent down here in freezing cold bloody Melbourne, I love to get caught in the rain, or to go out into it. It’s soothing, as it runs over me it washes away the cares and worries. As it soaks through my clothes and hair it takes away the stresses and pain. It leaves me feeling grounded and at peace.

I’m Piscean if you were wondering. Water is the keeper of emotional states at the best of time, but to someone like myself it helps clear away the sludge and deluge. I’ve always figured this to be the reason I prefer moving bodies of water to still ones. If i might be so odd as to quote Disney’s Pocahontas:

“What i like most about rivers is:

You can’t step in the same river twice

The water’s always changing, always flowing.”

-Just around the river’s bend

There are two other parts to rain that call to me.

There is a sense of security being wrapped up inside as a storm rages outside. Rain dampens the white noise. You know that background buzz of energies and emotions caused by people’s comings and goings.  Gone, kaput, no longer there. The quiet is amazing. The still, nothing but me, rain, the occasional rumble of thunder and lightening as the elemental’s dance and, of course, a warm cup of tea. The still is unlike anything else I’ve yet to experience.

The last one is a personal one. Every so often I catch myself on public transport watching the rain wash the city clean of all the crap and debris, both physical and metaphysical, and smelling a rare crispness in the air, but none of these rare moments mean half as much as the day I came home. A few years ago I moved to Perth for a few months. It was supposed to be a permanent move but Melbourne called me home very quickly. Upon my arrivals in Melbourne it was pouring with rain. I caught the bus from the airport and driving into town I felt a sense of complete oneness. I was home, the rain had settled all the disturbing and frightening thoughts in my mind as surely as it had the energies that surrounded me, and all I felt was that I was truly home. I’ve never forgotten that feeling, though I’ve often felt I’m not fulfilling my side of things, like a peice is still missing. I am home however, and never so comfortable anywhere else. For me rainy drives will always be synonymous with that feeling of complete oneness with the city I live in.

I guess I’m having a crisis of faith of late in a way…

I copped a mouthful off of someone who I have quite a bit of respect for, and who I feel I have lost a great deal of respect for now, over a comment on LJ. Now it seems silly but as I only know this person via LJ and have no other way to judge his character this is it. This person, J, is a very intelligent atheist with some very definite opinions regarding religion which I personally have no problem with, however I do take issue with an uncalled attack that shows no ability nor willingness to engage on a matter. He was right, I was an idiot. I object to being called an idiot by a someone because I expressed an opinion he disagreed with due a difference of faiths. I can see where he would be coming from had I posted this opinion on his blog, yes, but it was a mutual friend, one whom I know and am close to who was seeking advice from his own blog not J’s. The point of this rambling is it really bothered me…

I gave a slightly facetious yes dear *pat pat* response then went and got on with it, but I’m a slow burner and when someone does something that doesn’t sit well with me I tend to linger on it. This did not sit well. It did not sit well at all. His response was the one I consistently get from atheists. You have faith, you believe in something, therefore you’re an idiot. Never mind that they, including J, actually have no idea what I believe nor why. So lately I’ve been thinking long and hard about faith.

There are a few different forms of faith as I see it.

There is the troubling blind faith. Blind faith, in my opinion, is dangerous. Belief without question as an adult shows an inherent unwillingness to think for ones self. To place everything in another beings hands, your life, your actions, your family is to put aside all personal responsibility. Destiny is at fault, fate is at fault, God is at fault but never you. You don’t have to think you just have to follow and, of course, the man telling you it’s ok to marry a 12 year old girl and consummate that marriage is not lying to you at all.

There is the well experienced faith. The faith of someone who believes utterly because they know. You find this kind of faith amongst those that have come out of huge life changing events, whether deliberately inflicted or otherwise, and know beyond all things that there is a truth. What that truth is varies, but it’s a truth. This kind of faith often falls over into the former blind faith with overzealous religious fanatic types, but with many it’s a simple comforting thought that this is how it is for them. Some will go on to preach to others and some will just get on with their lives comfortable in their knowing.

And finally there is faith questioned. Not necessarily questioning whether there is something bigger but questioning what it is, what it does, why we should believe in it, how it should be allowed to effect our lives. It is the type of faith where destiny isn’t an option, fate doesn’t exist and God can be as almighty as he likes but we’re still responsible for our actions.

Of course there is also the complete absence of faith.

I’m in what I guess is a reasonably unique predicament yet at the same time very much not. I am, as usual, questioning my faith. I keep a fairly tight reign on myself. I don’t follow blindly, I have no belief in destiny and fate is for those who can’t walk to their own beat. I accept that not everything is under my control but what is under my control is how I react to those things. I act accordingly. I make sure to deliberately question my faith and beliefs regularly so as not to fall into the trap of being stuck and unable to grow, or accept others points of views.

What is bothering me lately is not an absence of faith per se, but a questioning of it. I believe(d) in deity. I do not think deity holds huge sway over my everyday life but I did believe in it. Yet now I’m beginning to question that belief, that faith, in something higher than I. Not because I don’t believe it’s possible but because all my personal experience with it can be bought back to me.

I believed therefore it was real.

This is pretty much the one solid truth of magic if you think about it. Your reality is your own, effected by your beliefs and shaped by your perceptions, and, should you so choose, changed by your will. Many people do this last indirectly. A magic user of any kind does it directly and knowingly. With this in mind it’s easy to see how a deity and ones experiences with deity could be a direct creation of ones mind.

If someone can believe enough to make Mr Spock a deity for a time in their minds why not Quan Yin or Zeus?

Are the deities I have always thought of as separate entities truly so or are they simply massive thought constructs?

My thoughts are not covering new ground here, yet at the same time, for me, they are. I’ve always just believed in deity, the very concept of it at least, and now I’m querying that.

Yet all this questioning does not take into consideration a few other things. Who are the wanderers in my head, the people and creatures that show up time and time again? Are they something I created that have become something more or something more that has taken interest in me? Why me? Why them? and so on and so forth. What are they?

They could just be figments of my imagination, but then where does that leave, well, everything within my practice… and so the thoughts go on.

I’m a solid believer in slow process. Faith doesn’t sneak up on you, nor does it suddenly vanish, even if it sometimes feels like it does. The relaisation that you’re beliefs have changed is not earth shattering nor is the actual change, it’s just a shift in awareness, but the bit in the middle where you do all teh questioning really does drive me mad.

The greatest of all magic often lies in the odd moments of reflection upon ones own self and feelings. Becoming all the more powerful when those reflections are spoken out loud to those that they have meaning too.

I love you.

Ongoing correspondance with Dana of Crying of the Siren

Emotions can be both a blessing and a curse in my magic. As far as spell work goes is can be of great assistance sometimes. Boosting my magic far beyond normal capabilities, but only for certain types of work. If I’m in a fantastic mood and out on the dance floor it takes the barest flicker of effort to shoot off a spell to see the club filled with people who want to have a good night, or something to boost the spirits of those around me. If I’m cranky it’s next to nothing to pull off a “Leave me alone” spell. However doing a major working is nigh on impossible if my emotional range is in any form of extreme.

I need to be able to be calm and focussed to work larger acts. There’s never a spell with no emotion behind it of course. The need to cast the spell is created from an emotion of some kind. Even if it is simply dissatisfaction with with your life, self, attitude or work place. However over powering emotions destroy my focus and if I can not focus I can not cast. Simple as that.

On the otherside of it is the mindset that gets many people into trouble with magic. Depression, angst, misery and a feeling of lacking. A lot of people make the mistake of attempting to use magic to cure this. It’s a common thing and the minute life starts looking up they drop it. It’s a bad habit to get into, it does disservice to any gods you are involved with and you learn very little from it. I tend to be quite the opposite, which is equally as bad. Whenever I have a “Dark Night of the Soul”, as I’ve seen it put, I retreat from the world. I lack the motivation to do anything including keep up my devotions and magical practices. It’s probably a time that I should be keeping them up as well. Using them, if for no other reason, to keep some form of routine going.

For me this is the hardest thing to deal with within my practice. I am prone to very random semi-frequent bouts of depression and over the years it has severely hindered my development. I think the fact that I have, fairly recently unfortunantly, acknowledged this and am now working on making sure it does not continue to do so is a bright spark I suppose.

At least I’m not trying to cure myself with magic I guess…